Taming the call centre

Automation is key to the success of any business these days. It is defintely seen as a means to cut down costs and make the mundane processes more efficient. Take for instance the customer service centres of any organization. Not long ago, we had the luxury of calling up customer care and shout/flirt with the representative...try doing the same with the modern day automated customer care!! Sounds weird? Well, trust me - it is! But sometimes weird can be fun :)

A little background before I recap my episode:
I was awaiting a mail (package) from an online store where I had purchased an item (lets leave it at "an item"). The store had mailed it through USPS and gave me the tracking number. I waited for a couple of days and looked up USPS website for information on my package. Surprisingly, there was no update from when it was generated. It only said "Shipping info received and label printed". It was unusual becuase the package should have been delivered the same day if everything was normal. So, I decided to call the USPS customer care to find out more on the status of my package and any other information they could divulge as the online tracking page did not seem to have any udpate. I was hoping to talk to a representative after some initial goofing around with the automated support. I dialled the 1 800 XXX XXXX toll free number and ...

"Thank you for calling United States Postal Service...

For delivery status - say "track and confirm"
To Schedule a pickup - say "schedule a pickup"
To order supplies - say "order supplies"
For all other postal information - say "other" "


I seemed to have a straight forward choice - I said "track and confirm" and the sweet voice recognized it and then said

"Please say your label number or tracking number"
I keyed it in.

After taking confirmation from me, it blurted out a status and unsurprisingly, it was the same as what the website had reported. I was hoping that it would then give me an option to talk to a representaive but it did not:

"If you have received the required information, please disconnect the call, else say "Main menu" or press the * key to go back to the Main Menu"

I decided to give it another try and went back to the Main Menu but in vain. Whatever option I chose, I could not get to speak to the customer represntative (dialing "9" or "0" did not work either ;)). I went back and forth again - but always ended up with:

"Please say your label number or tracking number".

Frustrated, I decided to keep mum, hoping that the sweet voice would presume that some dumb idiot who cannot follow Engleeeesh is on the line and transfer me to a representative. But, I was duped again...

"Please say your label number or tracking number"
Me >> Silent
"Please say your label number or tracking number or use the keypad to enter the label/trakcing number"
Me >> Silent
"Please, atleast enter the numeric part of your label number"
Me >> silent.
"I still did not hear anything, disconnecting the call"...click!...krrrrr..

@##!!%&**.. well, before I could realize, the line went dead. That stupid machine had cut me off. I guess, I waaaaaaasssssss a dumb idiot!! At that stage, I was almost at boiling point ...I was going to take the fight to the end ...the war was on and I wanted to teach that sweet lady a thing or two about customer service...determined to win at all costs, I hit redial...

"Thank you for calling United States Postal Service...
For delivery status - say "track and confirm"
To Schedule a pickup - say "schedule a pickup"
To order supplies - say "order supplies"
For all other postal information - say "other"
Me >> Silent
(I had made up my mind to be dumb until it gives up and transfers the call to a representative. One of us had to give in...it was either me or the machine! Last idiot standing wins, you see!!).

It repeated the menu a few times...

For delivery status - say "track and confirm"
To Schedule a pickup - say "schedule a pickup"
To order supplies - say "order supplies"
For all other postal information - say "other"
Me >> Silent

Again, with a slight change (I could feel the desperation in the voice as if it had emotions!)
For delivery status - Dial 1
To Schedule a pickup - Dial 2
To order supplies - Dial 3
For all other postal information - Dial 4
Me >> Silent

"I am sorry, I didnt hear you. Does your question concern international/domestic maling? Please say yes/no" (Felt like it was begging me to speak - say atleast yes/no)
At this point, I did utter a word - "yes"!
It again went back to the loop and I cursed myself for speaking!

"Please say the numeric part of your label number"
ME >> Silent.
"Please enter the numeric part of your label number"
ME >> Silent.

"I am sorry, I still didnt hear anything"."If you are still there, please press 0".
(I am not kidding - it did ask me this!..."are you still there?" - haha, how elated I was to hear that!!) I was enjoying the conversation (or lack of it) at that point, I could feel the desperation in the voice - I wonder if they record it that way. Maybe they modulate the voice based on the number of iterations of the same loop to give it some human touch!
I pressed 0!
"Thank you for your response. I am transferring the call to a customer care representative, please hold"
YES! YESSS!!! - I WON!!!!! Hip Hip Hurrah!!...I beat the machine into submission!!! yesssssssssss!!!

"Hello, this is XXXXX speaking, how may I help you?"
Me >> Hello..who, what?! - I had almost forgotten why I had called - that was the customer care guy. I spoke to him and he also did not have anymore information than what the website had reported. Talk about irony!!!

But I still won against the machine and that had given me enough happiness to forget about the status of my package. I finsihed the call feeling happy for no apparent gain! I sometimes wonder why I get into such weird situations...or maybe they happen to me for a reason!

I am still wondering ...